Don't Say Yes When You Mean No; You'll Only Hurt Yourself and Others

Judith A. Swack Ph.D. • November 29, 2023

Part I: Seduction, Part II: Phobias

Part I Seduction
After missing another morning staff meeting, Rebecca’s boss questioned her commitment to her job. Rebecca explained that she had to take her girls to school while her husband was out of town. In reality, Rebecca was ‘hysterically overbusy’, juggling a family, a job, and Girl Scout leadership.


Overcommitted, her life out of balance, Rebecca came to me sick and on the verge of burn out because she said ‘yes’ to everyone who asked for help. In fact, she drove 1 ½ hours out of her way every week to pick up and drop off her daughter’s former best friend from preschool who wanted to be in her troop.


We’ve all said ‘yes’ when we meant ‘no’ out of politeness or to reciprocate a kindness. That’s being nice and it’s harmless. Over the years I have discovered two main unconscious reasons why people say ‘yes’ when they really mean ‘no’: 1) They are desperate for something or 2) They are afraid or ashamed to say ‘no’. In this section, I address more serious situations where people override their desire to say no out of unconscious desperation. This caused them to put other people’s needs before their own and prevented them from setting limits.


Desperation Can Lead to Seduction

Sometime in childhood, you experienced a traumatic event that caused a part of you to feel dead or empty. The dead part is desperate to come back to life and believes the only way to do this is to get the critical elements (also called gifts or promised benefits) it needs from somebody outside of you.


In a seduction pattern, the dead part either:


  1. allows itself to be seduced by accepting gifts or the promise of gifts from others and pays for it by allowing the other person to drain you of positive qualities like energy, joy, and compassion (seducee pattern), or
  2. seduces others into giving it the critical elements by bribing, threatening, or doing other manipulative behaviors (seducer strategy).


In effect, the promise from each side is, "I’ll bring you to life."


Seduction patterns are energy draining, perverse, and frustrating. People get tricked into doing things they don’t want to do. They are unable to leave bad relationships, jobs, family, or other upsetting situations. Seduction always backfires because no one outside of you can bring you to life. The most that anyone gets is a small amount of what the dead part needs, and it is insufficient, perverted and unsatisfying.


The most common seducer strategy that prevents people from saying ‘no’ (and the one that caused Rebecca’s problem) is, “I sacrifice myself to please others in order to get love, appreciation, acceptance, etc.


The only way to get free of a seduction is to give back or refuse to take the gifts that you are tempted by, but the dead part can’t let go for fear that if it gives up what little it is getting it will go back to being completely dead. To clear seduction, we use a prayer intervention in which you:


  1. Renounce the gifts you’re being promised (while feeling desperate not to),
  2. Ask God (a source that can actually deliver) to free you from the seduction, heal the dead part, and provide what you need.


The intervention works instantly regardless of attitudes toward or belief in God.


A Simple Intervention to Clear Seducer Strategies.


Determine how and what you are trying to get by seducing. While feeling desperate, say:


"I renounce this strategy of _____ (ex. sacrificing myself to please others) in order to get _____ (ex. love, appreciation, acceptance) and I pray God to free me from everyone I do this with and all parts of myself. And I pray God to free me from this seduction pattern. And I pray God to free me from this whole pattern and everything that made me susceptible to it. And I pray God to provide me with whatever else I need in these areas.”


Notice how you feel now that you are no longer desperate. Know that you can get what you need in a straightforward way.


Rebecca now shows up for staff meetings, her husband watches the kids more when he’s home, and her daughter’s preschool friend is in a Girl Scout troop close to home. Now that you’re clear of this pattern notice what happens the next time you need to say ‘no’?.


Part 2: Phobias
Shirley got a puppy. Shirley didn’t want a puppy. Shirley’s friend Jean convinced her that as a single woman, Shirley needed companionship. Jean’s dog just had a litter of puppies and she knew that Shirley would give one a good home. Shirley resisted the idea until Jean promised to take the puppy back if things didn’t work out. Shirley agreed to try it.


Shirley didn’t want the puppy. It required too much attention and care to fit into her busy life. After a month Shirley asked Jean to take back the puppy. Unfortunately, Shirley couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt. The puppy was very sweet and had bonded with her. Shirley felt bad about abandoning the puppy and traumatizing it. She felt worried about disappointing and inconveniencing Jean. She regretted that she hadn’t insisted on ‘no’ in the first place.


We’ve all said ‘yes’ when we meant ‘no’ out of politeness or to reciprocate a kindness. That’s being nice and it’s harmless. In this section, I address more serious situations where people were afraid or ashamed to say no, so they overrode their desire to say ‘no’ and it led to problems later. Examples include buying something you didn’t want, taking the wrong job, going too far on the first date, and even agreeing to marry the wrong person.


Fear and Shame Can Come from Phobic Reactions.

A phobia is an exaggerated, irrational emotional (and physical) reaction that is out of proportion with what is happening in reality. Phobias occur when a person experiences a traumatic shock that triggers the fight or flight reflex. Anything that was in the environment at that time can later trigger the original memory resulting in a phobic reaction, even when there is no danger in the present.


Phobias come in two flavors, fear and shame. In a fear phobia, the unconscious mind goes instantly to the worst case scenario of death, eternal torment, or rejection.In a shame phobia the unconscious mind concludes that there is something horribly and fundamentally wrong with her that she is ashamed to admit. The natural reaction to a phobia is to try to avoid what triggers you.


People who have phobias of saying ‘no’ try to avoid saying ‘no’ by saying ‘yes’.


Examples of phobias of saying ‘no’ include:

  • I’m afraid to say ‘no’ because someone will get angry and punish, kill, or reject me.
  • I’m ashamed to say ‘no’ because I’ll hurt someone proving that I’m selfish, cruel, bad, cold-hearted, etc.


A Simple Technique for Clearing Phobias

In Healing from the Body Level UpTM™ (HBLU™) we often use the Unwinding Frontal/ Occipital Holding technique to clear phobias and other negative emotional reactions. This technique, from the field of Applied Kinesiology, connects your rational mind with your emotional self to release the phobia from mind and body.


Unwinding Frontal/Occipital Holding: While thinking about and feeling the phobic reaction, place one hand lightly on your forehead (the ‘Oy Vey’ gesture) and the other hand lightly on the back of your head. Allow your head to move however it wants to and it will stop automatically. In about 3 minutes the phobia is gone. Another technique we commonly use is the Natural Bio-Destressing technique from the field of Energy Psychology. This technique works by stimulating the calming reflex to neutralize the fight or flight reactions.

 

After we cleared Shirley’s phobias of saying no, she remarked that she wouldn’t have stayed with her last three boyfriends as long as she did had she been able to say ‘no’ sooner. Use these techniques and notice for yourself what happens the next time you need to say ‘no’.


What is HBLU™ ?
HBLU™is an innovative, rapid, and powerful new mind/body/spirit healing methodology developed by Judith A. Swack, Ph.D., a Biochemist/Immunologist, Master NLP Practitioner, Mind/Body Healer, and leader in the field of Energy Psychology. HBLU™ integrates biomedical science, psychology, hypnosis, Neuro Linguistic Programming, applied kinesiology, and other energy psychology techniques with original research on the structure of complex damage patterns. HBLU™ is so effective because:


  1. The client’s deepest wisdom guides the healing,
  2. It has menus of well characterized patterns and effective healing techniques,
  3. It clears blocks to success at the conscious, unconscious, body, and soul levels.


HBLU ™ helps people rapidly achieve the results they want to live full, happy, healthy, and satisfying lives. Maybe it can help you, too. Dr. Swack and her associates work with people in person or by phone. Healing from the Body Level Up™, Inc. is located in Needham, MA. Call 781-444-6940 to book an appointment, order a free information package, and order audio and videotapes.


Boston Women’s Journal February/March and April/May 2007

Open Does Not Mean Vulnerable

By Judith A. Swack, Ph.D. • August 26, 2025
Copyright 2025 Judith A. Swack, Ph.D. Jane was dating two men at once and having trouble deciding who to choose. She listed all of John’s wonderful qualities and all of Steven’s wonderful qualities and remarked, “If I could just put the two of them together I’d have the perfect man.” When asked why she didn’t just date one man who had everything, she said she was keeping one man as a backup because she didn’t feel safe with either one of them. Puzzled, I asked, “Why would you date, let alone marry, anyone you didn’t feel safe with? Clearly, you’ll never marry either of these men.” Jane simply looked astonished. Love is a beautiful thing. We all need to love and be loved. Sadly, many of us have been hurt by the people we love and who are supposed to love us. When that happens, we no longer feel safe, and we shut down the ability to give and receive love. The tragedy is that we can no longer feel loved or experience ourselves as loving beings. We no longer experience the nourishing flow of warm golden buttery energy that uplifts the heart/soul, connects us all, and soothes all pain. And everyone else we could be loving is robbed. According to the dictionary, the word “vulnerable” means open to attack. When someone says, “I’m afraid to be vulnerable” he/she should be afraid to be vulnerable, but he/she should not be afraid to be emotionally open, emotionally present, or emotionally close. Opening to give and receive love should not make one vulnerable. So what to do about it? With HBLU we acknowledge the fear and heal the traumas, dysfunctional family system and cultural brainwashing patterns that caused it. This allows people to reach out with their hearts and share one of the greatest gifts in life. If you or anyone you know would like to open your heart to love, get happily married, or improve your marriage or other relationships, HBLU methodology can help you. If you would like to learn more or schedule an appointment, please call 781-444-6940 , email [email protected] , or go to www.hblu.org . Blessings, Judith
A vector graphic of a woman with 4 arms multi-tasking. Cooking, signing papers, and watering plants

June's Miracle

By C. C. Life Coach • June 24, 2025
Dear Judith, Of all the work we have done, of all the monumental healings and shifts you and your work has helped to facilitate in my life- this piece was the most hidden, the most perverse, the most subconscious- and was driving my life into oblivion. I could not live one more day enslaving myself to my family, being stuck in a loveless abusive marriage. I was exhausted and stuck begging G-d for a way out (any way out). Until you your work and my soul discovered that we needed to unblock my energy fields from using evil to seduce- by running a pathologically self-serving and self-absorbed seduction pattern. Here I was a slave to my family, doing everything, getting nothing- I was the last person self-serving. How did my soul and you even find this. At first I thought no… Until you pointed out that this is what Enneagram 4s do to get love. And it all clicked. This was the seduction. IF I enslave myself, I will get love- so it was all my agenda my mission- I was “doing everything for them” which was the illusion, the seduction I was under- but it was truly a manipulative pattern I ran to try to get love from everyone I could. Only to fail miserably- and to feel even worse. I felt powerless and stuck. Until you said those words…. And through your work- we prayed- and the seduction and illusion vanished. Poof just like that! I can’t believe this has all been me all this time. I WAS DESPERATE TO GET: Love, safety, approval, success and wealth and WORSHIP AND WORLD DOMINATION What I learned was that I created a pattern of need. Everyone had to need me- I had to do it all- so people would love me. Because deep inside I doubted they could just love me for me. And that I truly don’t have to do anything for love. And neither does anyone… And that I just give it up and teach my family to be self-sufficient so they DON'T NEED me and we can establish love for the sake of love. OR SCREW UP MY WHOLE FAMILY AND LIFE PERPETRATING EVIL BY BEING PATHOLOGICALLY SELFISH. Here are my learnings: I’m just another cog in the wheel and that’s ok. We all are working together. No one better or worse. There is no need to dominate just to do each of our missions. I was seduced into thinking I was so selfless and altruistic because I was working for what I thought “was everyone else’s good” but was really still what I thought- and my agenda I have been self-abusing all this time, putting myself last so I could get sympathy and love. I was acting like a victim and poor me to myself & failing because I got no sympathy gratitude or love… When we interviewed my husband - I sat still. It was the first time I could listen to him and learn. I was still - like air. Without an agenda. And It’s the first time I feel still. And my nervous system relaxed. The first time I’m not working to get something in every action. Today I put my agenda down. It feels so light and relaxing and freeing It’s all been one big undercover operation to get love shrouded in a mission to do for others so no one would ever find me out. That it was all about me. And it didn’t make sense until you said I was pathologically selfish and self-absorbed. Me? No!!!… oh my gosh yes…. And the shell around me shattered. I can relax and just be me for the first time in decades…. You and your work- Judith- I’m just in disbelief- after being in disbelief many times- you’ve changed my life. Thank you Thank you Thank you. You’re a true genius Judith. I can never thank you enough. You are my teacher my mentor and I’m so grateful to have been given you to guide me in this life. I only hope to help your work reach millions. All the Best! C. C. Life Coach

Nothing Is Impossible.

By Copyright 2025 Judith A. Swack, Ph.D. • January 31, 2025
James ’s brother, Samuel , sustained severe traumatic brain injury from a car accident. He spent the year going to many doctors for treatment, but could barely function. Samuel complained that not only did standard medical care not help him, but the doctors ignored and mistreated him. Whenever James suggested any complementary therapies, such as acupuncture, chiropractic, or HBLU, Samuel immediately came up with excuses as to why going for that kind of treatment was impossible. (Notice that he didn’t claim that that kind of treatment wouldn’t work. He just made it impossible to get there.) James said, “Even though I feel really guilty about it, I’ve stopped trying to help him because he makes everything impossible.” Monica ’s 25-year-old son, Ed , suffers from such severe debilitating Crohn’s disease that he couldn’t finish high school, can’t work, can’t leave the house, and can barely leave his room. Traditional medical care and medication is not helping. Monica and her husband bought him a dog thinking that would cheer him up, but Ed does not interact with it. Monica has suggested and made appointments for many complementary therapies such as nutrition, naturopathy, family therapy, and HBLU, but Ed refuses to go to these appointments. Monica experiences guilt and deep sorrow that her son is so ill, and she and her husband haven’t been able to help him. Valerie ’s partner, Nancy , is 200 pounds overweight, suffers from ADD and severe anxiety, and hates her job. Nancy had been on medication for the ADD and anxiety, but when her psychiatrist retired, never attempted to find another provider and let her medication lapse. When Valerie suggested that Nancy find new doctors and get back on medication to help her mental function and treatment for overweight, Nancy refused to make any follow-up phone calls or emails. Although they had gotten engaged in the Spring, by Fall, Valerie had asked for the ring back. Valerie said, “I don’t think I can live with her if she refuses to take care of herself and won’t let me help her.” What do James, Monica, and Valerie all have in common? They feel deep sorrow, guilt, and frustration that they can’t help someone they care about deeply. But the people who are suffering are also trapped in a pattern that continues to cause them suffering. Both the impotent helpers and the perpetual sufferers are trapped in a seducer strategy called, “I’m impossible.” What is a Seduction Pattern? Seduction patterns are some of the most energy draining, perverse, and frustrating patterns a person can experience. People with seduction patterns get tricked into doing things they don’t want to do. They are unable to leave bad relationships, jobs, family, or other upsetting situations.