Don't Say Yes When You Mean No; You'll Only Hurt Yourself and Others

Part I Seduction
After missing another morning staff meeting, Rebecca’s boss questioned her commitment to her job. Rebecca explained that she had to take her girls to school while her husband was out of town. In reality, Rebecca was ‘hysterically overbusy’, juggling a family, a job, and Girl Scout leadership.

Overcommitted, her life out of balance, Rebecca came to me sick and on the verge of burn out because she said ‘yes’ to everyone who asked for help. In fact, she drove 1 ½ hours out of her way every week to pick up and drop off her daughter’s former best friend from preschool who wanted to be in her troop.

We’ve all said ‘yes’ when we meant ‘no’ out of politeness or to reciprocate a kindness. That’s being nice and it’s harmless. Over the years I have discovered two main unconscious reasons why people say ‘yes’ when they really mean ‘no’: 1) They are desperate for something or 2) They are afraid or ashamed to say ‘no’. In this section, I address more serious situations where people override their desire to say no out of unconscious desperation. This caused them to put other people’s needs before their own and prevented them from setting limits.

Desperation Can Lead to Seduction

Sometime in childhood, you experienced a traumatic event that caused a part of you to feel dead or empty. The dead part is desperate to come back to life and believes the only way to do this is to get the critical elements (also called gifts or promised benefits) it needs from somebody outside of you.

In a seduction pattern, the dead part either:

1. allows itself to be seduced by accepting gifts or the promise of gifts from others and pays for it by allowing the other person to drain you of positive qualities like energy, joy, and compassion (seducee pattern), or
2. seduces others into giving it the critical elements by bribing, threatening, or doing other manipulative behaviors (seducer strategy).

In effect, the promise from each side is, "I’ll bring you to life."

Seduction patterns are energy draining, perverse, and frustrating. People get tricked into doing things they don’t want to do. They are unable to leave bad relationships, jobs, family, or other upsetting situations. Seduction always backfires because no one outside of you can bring you to life. The most that anyone gets is a small amount of what the dead part needs, and it is insufficient, perverted and unsatisfying.

The most common seducer strategy that prevents people from saying ‘no’ (and the one that caused Rebecca’s problem) is, “I sacrifice myself to please others in order to get love, appreciation, acceptance, etc.

The only way to get free of a seduction is to give back or refuse to take the gifts that you are tempted by, but the dead part can’t let go for fear that if it gives up what little it is getting it will go back to being completely dead. To clear seduction, we use a prayer intervention in which you:

1. Renounce the gifts you’re being promised (while feeling desperate not to),
2. Ask God (a source that can actually deliver) to free you from the seduction, heal the dead part, and provide what you need.

The intervention works instantly regardless of attitudes toward or belief in God.

A Simple Intervention to Clear Seducer Strategies.

Determine how and what you are trying to get by seducing. While feeling desperate, say:

"I renounce this strategy of _____ (ex. sacrificing myself to please others) in order to get _____ (ex. love, appreciation, acceptance) and I pray God to free me from everyone I do this with and all parts of myself. And I pray God to free me from this seduction pattern. And I pray God to free me from this whole pattern and everything that made me susceptible to it. And I pray God to provide me with whatever else I need in these areas.”

Notice how you feel now that you are no longer desperate. Know that you can get what you need in a straightforward way.

Rebecca now shows up for staff meetings, her husband watches the kids more when he’s home, and her daughter’s preschool friend is in a Girl Scout troop close to home. Now that you’re clear of this pattern notice what happens the next time you need to say ‘no’?.

Part 2: Phobias
Shirley got a puppy. Shirley didn’t want a puppy. Shirley’s friend Jean convinced her that as a single woman, Shirley needed companionship. Jean’s dog just had a litter of puppies and she knew that Shirley would give one a good home. Shirley resisted the idea until Jean promised to take the puppy back if things didn’t work out. Shirley agreed to try it.

Shirley didn’t want the puppy. It required too much attention and care to fit into her busy life. After a month Shirley asked Jean to take back the puppy. Unfortunately, Shirley couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt. The puppy was very sweet and had bonded with her. Shirley felt bad about abandoning the puppy and traumatizing it. She felt worried about disappointing and inconveniencing Jean. She regretted that she hadn’t insisted on ‘no’ in the first place.

We’ve all said ‘yes’ when we meant ‘no’ out of politeness or to reciprocate a kindness. That’s being nice and it’s harmless. In this section, I address more serious situations where people were afraid or ashamed to say no, so they overrode their desire to say ‘no’ and it led to problems later. Examples include buying something you didn’t want, taking the wrong job, going too far on the first date, and even agreeing to marry the wrong person.

Fear and Shame Can Come from Phobic Reactions.

A phobia is an exaggerated, irrational emotional (and physical) reaction that is out of proportion with what is happening in reality. Phobias occur when a person experiences a traumatic shock that triggers the fight or flight reflex. Anything that was in the environment at that time can later trigger the original memory resulting in a phobic reaction, even when there is no danger in the present.

Phobias come in two flavors, fear and shame. In a fear phobia, the unconscious mind goes instantly to the worst case scenario of death, eternal torment, or rejection.In a shame phobia the unconscious mind concludes that there is something horribly and fundamentally wrong with her that she is ashamed to admit. The natural reaction to a phobia is to try to avoid what triggers you.

People who have phobias of saying ‘no’ try to avoid saying ‘no’ by saying ‘yes’.

Examples of phobias of saying ‘no’ include:

• I’m afraid to say ‘no’ because someone will get angry and punish, kill, or reject me.
• I’m ashamed to say ‘no’ because I’ll hurt someone proving that I’m selfish, cruel, bad, cold-hearted, etc.

A Simple Technique for Clearing Phobias

In Healing from the Body Level UpTM™ (HBLU™) we often use the Unwinding Frontal/ Occipital Holding technique to clear phobias and other negative emotional reactions. This technique, from the field of Applied Kinesiology, connects your rational mind with your emotional self to release the phobia from mind and body.

Unwinding Frontal/Occipital Holding: While thinking about and feeling the phobic reaction, place one hand lightly on your forehead (the ‘Oy Vey’ gesture) and the other hand lightly on the back of your head. Allow your head to move however it wants to and it will stop automatically. In about 3 minutes the phobia is gone. Another technique we commonly use is the Natural Bio-Destressing technique from the field of Energy Psychology. This technique works by stimulating the calming reflex to neutralize the fight or flight reactions.

After we cleared Shirley’s phobias of saying no, she remarked that she wouldn’t have stayed with her last three boyfriends as long as she did had she been able to say ‘no’ sooner. Use these techniques and notice for yourself what happens the next time you need to say ‘no’.

What is HBLU™ ?
HBLU™is an innovative, rapid, and powerful new mind/body/spirit healing methodology developed by Judith A. Swack, Ph.D., a Biochemist/Immunologist, Master NLP Practitioner, Mind/Body Healer, and leader in the field of Energy Psychology. HBLU™ integrates biomedical science, psychology, hypnosis, Neuro Linguistic Programming, applied kinesiology, and other energy psychology techniques with original research on the structure of complex damage patterns. HBLU™ is so effective because:

1. The client’s deepest wisdom guides the healing,
2. It has menus of well characterized patterns and effective healing techniques,
3. It clears blocks to success at the conscious, unconscious, body, and soul levels.

HBLU ™ helps people rapidly achieve the results they want to live full, happy, healthy, and satisfying lives. Maybe it can help you, too. Dr. Swack and her associates work with people in person or by phone. Healing from the Body Level Up™, Inc. is located in Needham, MA. Call 781-444-6940 to book an appointment, order a free information package, and order audio and videotapes.

Boston Women’s Journal February/March and April/May 2007