Don’t Be So Nice

In the 6 ½ years that Sally had a boyfriend, he never did a single thing she asked him to do to make the relationship better for her. When they watched TV, it was only sports. They ate only at restaurants he liked and got together when he felt like it. In HBLU sessions she would complain to me about how unhappy and unimportant she felt in the relationship. When I asked her why she allowed him to treat her like this, she said, “I think of myself as a nice person.” We discovered that she was running a seducer strategy called, “I try to be nice and caring to others by trying to fulfill any and all of their requests to the nth degree in order to get him to love me.” Sadly, what she was really doing was enabling him to continue his bad behavior while eroding her own sense of value and self-esteem. After we cleared her of this pattern, she broke up with him. A week later, he asked her what he could do to preserve the relationship. She repeated to him everything she had asked him to do for the last 6 ½ years. He has actually started to accommodate her requests, and she is starting to actually enjoy herself in his company.

What is a Seducer Strategy?

Seduction patterns arise from a trauma that causes a person to feel dead or empty inside. The dead part does not want to be dead or empty, but it does not know how to bring itself back to life. It believes that the only way it can come back to life is if somebody outside of itself gives it what it needs to come back to life. We call these life and death requirements critical elements and they come in the form of gifts or benefits.

In a seducee pattern, the person being seduced (seducee) attempts to get what he/she needs by accepting gifts/benefits or the promise of gifts/benefits from the seducer. The seducee pays for what he/she gets by allowing the seducer to drain him/her of positive qualities like energy, joy, and compassion.  In a seducer strategy, the person doing the seducing (seducer) tries to get what he/she needs by offering to provide the gifts/benefits (i.e. bribing) or by threatening or doing other manipulative behaviors. In effect, the promise from both seducer and seducee is, “I’ll bring you to life with what I’m offering.”

Sadly, it is not really possible for someone outside of you to completely bring you to life. The most that anyone gets in a seduction pattern is a small amount of what the dead part needs, and it is insufficient, perverted, and unsatisfying. Both parties are hooked on the crumb of what they have gotten and the hope of more to come. Neither side can let go because the dead part is afraid that if it gives up what little it is getting it will go back to being completely dead which is unacceptable. You can usually tell if you’re seducing or someone is seducing you if you feel frustrated and drained after interacting with that person!

The only way to free yourself of a seducer strategy is to write out your version of the seducer strategy, list what you are (desperately) trying to get by doing that and say a prayer asking God to free you. The intervention works instantly regardless of attitudes toward or belief in God.

Clear yourself of being too nice:

1. Write out the seducer strategy and list what you are trying to get by doing that.”
2. Locate in your body where you feel desperate for these benefits.
3. Say the prayer:

“I renounce this strategy, I try to be nice and caring to others by trying to fulfill any and all of their requests to the nth degree order to get ___ (examples: love, appreciation, acceptance, attention, respect, success, friendship, happiness, partner/soulmate, adoration, power, control, ownership of another person, manifest all possibilities in order to be God, to create a masterpiece of beauty, achieve my full potential, reach enlightenment, universal love, connection with the divine, the clarity of a diamond to see the truth, etc.”)

and I pray God to free me from everyone I do this with and I pray God to heal all parts of myself. I pray God to free me from this seducer strategy, and I pray God to free me from this whole pattern and everything that made me susceptible to it. I pray God to heal me of all the damage I’ve ever done and all the stress I’ve ever caused myself and others while under the influence of this pattern and erase it so completely it’s as if it never happened. I pray God to provide me with whatever else I need in the benefits areas.”

Now, you will be able to keep a balance between self-care and other care, have more satisfying relationships and a more balanced life!!

For help clearing another popular seducer strategy, order our CD “Exchange Your Inner Critic for Compassion book, or call 781-444-6940 to book an appointment.